How Was I To Know

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

This sinking feeling overtakes me with the realization that something bad has just occurred. The spiral of confusion because this can’t be real.

Why is this happening? What am I supposed to be doing? How is it I know deep down in my soul that this is the dividing point between what was and what will never be? How am I supposed to move through this with a clear head, when every moment is a betrayal of a dream that has now turned into a nightmare. 

Oh, please forgive me for my actions. Please forgive me for doing what was right at that moment. How was I to know that I was leaving you exposed? How was I to know evil was lurking nearby ready to grasp my happiness? 

A mere moment has now become my undoing. I will prevent this moment from ever happening as I replay these series of events over and over in my mind. I will save you a million different ways, because I will be your hero time after time. Not the man I am now, a version of myself that I wouldn’t even want to know.

 — Nicole Barden 12/24/2021