My Terms

Photo by Jaime Brooks on Unsplash

Trigger Warning- Suicide

The day was so beautiful, one of the best I’ve ever experienced. The specialness of knowing it was my last day on earth was present in every moment.

You see I had chosen to end my life. I was going to be in charge of how my life ended and not this disease that was ravaging my body. I wasn’t going to let it turn me into a person I or my loved ones would no longer recognize. I was taking control.

I know my family wanted me to hold on longer.

“There may be a cure.”

“We will miss you so much.” 

“You are being selfish.” 

“Why are you doing this to us?”

These were all things that had been said to me.

Even though I understood where they were coming from, I was in so much pain. I was no longer me and I was losing control of my limbs faster than expected. Who knows what I would be able to do in a week or a month. I wasn’t willing to risk waiting.

Today was the day.

My mind had been made up since the moment I received my diagnosis from the 3rd specialist. I was going to go out on my terms.

I’ve talked to God and explained my plan, now whether he understands or not, at least I am at peace with my decision.

I gathered my family and we all sat down to watch It’s a Wonderful Life, kind of ironic but I truly love that movie.

I had taken the pills right at the start of the movie, we laughed, and we cried.

The last thing I remember is Clarence talking, and George being able to hear.

— Nicole Barden 1/10/2021

Originally published in Blue Insights on Medium