This sinking feeling overtakes me with the realization that something bad has just occurred. The spiral of confusion because this can’t be real.

Why is this happening? What am I supposed to be doing? How is it I know deep down in my soul that this is the dividing point between what was and what will never be? How am I supposed to move through this with a clear head, when every moment is a betrayal of a dream that has now turned into a nightmare. 

Oh, please forgive me for my actions. Please forgive me for doing what was right at that moment. How was I to know that I was leaving you exposed? How was I to know evil was lurking nearby ready to grasp my happiness? 

A mere moment has now become my undoing. I will prevent this moment from ever happening as I replay these series of events over and over in my mind. I will save you a million different ways, because I will be your hero time after time. Not the man I am now, a version of myself that I wouldn’t even want to know.

 — Nicole Barden 12/24/2021